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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29980536">Ruins</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moodypetrichorlove/pseuds/Moodypetrichorlove'>Moodypetrichorlove</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sen Çal Kapımı (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Canon Universe, Character Study, Confusion, Denial of Feelings, Edser, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Kinda, Loss of Identity, Memories, Memory Loss, Pain, Realization, Repressed Memories, Reunions, Second Chances, Serkan centric, aka 3 times Serkan Bolat's world crumbled around him and the one time he promised to save it, but also kinda not?, heavy on Serkan Bolat, tbh i don't know what to tag this lol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 14:01:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,033</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29980536</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moodypetrichorlove/pseuds/Moodypetrichorlove</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Serkan remembers the first time he had felt his world crumbling around him, he was twelve years old. He had been sketching his dreamhouse, sitting just outside the stables, the occasional neighs and huffs of the horses seemingly soothing him, when he heard a distant crash and a thud from the house, followed by terrifying yells. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Serkan Bolat/Eda Yildiz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ruins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First off, I'd like to apologise for that terrible title. For the life of me, I couldn't think of one good enough. So, I had to make do.</p><p>This is just something I wrote last night around 2.20 am when I had actually sat down to write a story for another fandom. The words "Serkan" and "the first time he felt his world crumbling down around him" kept bouncing around in my head and, thus this fic was born. </p><p>I hope you guys read this and enjoy it, as much as I did writing it.</p><p>However, fair warning: I am a little rusty because this is my first time writing in more than 3 months! </p><p>Also, I don't know if I'm correct or not, but I feel like at some point in time we learnt on the show that Serkan was 12 when his brother died? If we didn't, just assume it's the correct age, lol. And considering Eda called him a 30 year old after which we saw his birthday, I'm assuming he's currently 31. (You'll understand why I'm mentioning all this as you read.)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Serkan remembers the first time he had felt his world crumbling around him; he was twelve years old. He had been sketching his dreamhouse, sitting just outside the stables, the occasional neighs and huffs of the horses seemingly soothing him, when he heard a distant crash and a thud from the house, followed by terrifying yells. </p><p>He had gotten up from his spot on the ground, sketchbook and all his art supplies forgotten, and following in the direction of the screams, dashed towards his mother’s favourite room in the entire house, overlooking the garden. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When he had reached the room, he found his mother kneeling by a convulsing body on the floor, the man’s face hidden by <em> anne’s </em>  long, flowing hair. From the door, he could catch only a glimpse of the man’s shoe, and it took a moment for his entire nervous system to start boosting a single signal to his mind:  <em> you know this man. You know him you know him  </em> <em> youknowhim </em> <em> . </em> </p><p>This was the man Serkan looked up to, the only human being in the entire world he loved unconditionally and wholeheartedly (who loved <b><em>him </em></b>unconditionally and wholeheartedly), the only one he trusted completely, his best friend, his… </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“... <em> Abim </em>,” the word had left his mouth in a choked gasp, his voice desperately pleading for what he did not know.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He remembers moving forward, haltingly, his each step heavy. Each step piling a new burden on to his little shoulders.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He recalls falling to his knees by his brother’s side, too. Though he tries extremely hard not to remember the way his dear brother’s once-playful eyes had stared into his, he can still see them on particularly bad nights - wide-open and hauntingly lifeless. He remembers his mother’s piercing shrieks echoing off the emptiness that had taken over their home, their lives, and how, as much as he tried to stop them, his tears had still streamed down his face, incessant and stubborn.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The rest of that day he identifies as a series of images having collected together in the form of a montage, projecting on the screen of his mind - despite his unwillingness to watch - one picture merging into another too fast for him to comprehend. Serkan is a smart guy; he knows that it is probably his subconscious carrying out an act of self-preservation, trying to protect him from more pain by repressing the rest of the memories from that horrifying day. However, since Serkan is such a smart guy, he also knows how unhealthy that is, but he still thanks God for His small mercies. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He remembers how since that first time, every single vein in his body had been on fire, burning his blood, with no way to douse it out.  </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He does not know how, but by the time nineteen years passed, Serkan had managed to push the memory of the first time his world was destroyed to the back of his mind. It was all stashed somewhere far away in the darker recesses of his mind that he dared to visit only on the nineteenth of August every year. He had allowed himself just one day each year and that was that.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He remembers life becoming easier because he had found himself his <em>peri </em><em>kızı</em>, the miracle <em>yıldız </em>of his story. With Eda by his side, the strong and brave Serkan Bolat was even stronger, braver. Eda’s love brought out the person inside of him that Serkan had always tried to be, but hidden after his <em>Abi </em>was gone. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He had once again begun loving someone wholeheartedly, trusting them unconditionally. He had become open to the idea that he deserved the good things in his personal life as well, and not just in his profession. He had started to gradually shed his burdens off his shoulders. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>With Eda taking up the most important space in his world, he had felt the fire in his veins quieting down; turning into the kind that did not burn and damage, but the kind of fire that wrapped you up in a cocoon of warmth and security.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He remembers being truly happy again after years of living with the unwarranted belief that he was not deserving of happiness and love, pure and simple and real love. He also recalls having made plans to move to Italy with Eda, telling her about said plans, and her consequent contagious giddiness as evidenced by her blindingly bright smile, her hands locked around his neck and fingers intertwined with his, her lips pressing quick but firm kisses to his cheeks.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Then suddenly, all his mind can see is his father sitting him down and recounting a tragedy about an innocent little girl losing her parents to a wall collapse all because <b><em>his </em></b>father could not be bothered enough to be more responsible in his job. All he remembers is his head shaking from side to side in disbelief, brain chanting <em>Eda </em><em>Eda </em><em>Eda</em> <em>EdaEdaEdaEdaEda</em>, and <em>nononononono </em><em>olamaz</em><em>olamaz</em><em>olamaz</em><em>!  </em> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>That was the second time his world - the beautiful life he had worked so hard to build with Eda - had started to crumble around him. The stockpile of burdens on his shoulders had once again, increased in weight; the fire flowing in his veins had quickly gone back to burning and torturing him.  </p><p>One day later, when he broke up with her and gave her a bullshit, heartless excuse for it, he remembers he had felt the crumbles of his world finally shatter down around him, along with Eda’s heart.  </p><p>And his heart? Well, it just went back to its mechanical beating, alive but dead.  </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He had woken up, cold and feverish, sweat running down his back, and failed to recognise where he was. He had struggled for a couple of minutes, but ultimately figured out his whereabouts. Far from home, missing something he could not even identify. Then he thought back to the reason behind his abrupt, and quite disturbing, wake-up call. A wake-up call no less than a nightmare for him because for the life of him, he could not make sense of the fragments of images and videos in his mind. It was a series of flashes of warm brown expressive doe eyes, short yellow dresses, long silky hair, lavender flowers safely kept in glass containers, and sentimental terrariums accompanied with apology notes. He had refused to call them <em> ‘memories of his own' </em>because as per his more-than-ever solid, trusty logic, they could not be his memories if he was having this much trouble remembering them. Should his memories not come back to him easily? How could these memories be his when he could not recall - or even imagine - being that person, ever?  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And maybe also due to the fact that each vision of not-his-memory caused a flash of sharp pain in his heart, the reason for which he had not wanted to even begin to dissect. Because deep down, he knew it would destroy the facade of logic that had been helping him hold himself together, and if a little bit of his denial existed thanks to that particular feeling, well then Serkan Bolat knew just how to turn on the Robot with the click of a button.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His mind was fogged up with confusion, his heart in constant pain, and with each passing day he had felt more and more exhausted (because his shoulders were heavier than ever) and detached from everything around him. He had forgotten the better part of a whole year of his life and that scared him to no end. The plane crash had taken away so much of his control and left him with no ideas on how to get it all back.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>What was even worse was that he did not even know what <b><em>‘all’ </em></b>encompassed. When the plane was hurtling to its downfall, Serkan had realised for the third time that his beloved world was, yet again, starting to crumble down around him. The absolute worst part, though, was that by the time he had woken up - disoriented and aching - his world had turned into just a landscape of barren ruins and dust and Serkan Bolat <em>did.</em><em> not. </em><em>even</em>. <em>remember.</em> <em>it</em>.<em> ever. existing. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The only thing he remembers knowing with certainty is that he had felt cold, colder than he ever felt before, but that there was also an acknowledgement of something warm and fiery simmering in his veins, just below the surface, itching to come back up.  </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Now, as he runs to the venue of the marriage of the love of his life (<em>to another man!)</em> - each precious memory he had made with Eda before having boarded that doomed flight on <b><em>their </em></b>wedding day coming back to him - he decides he won’t let his world crumble a fourth time. He will do anything and everything, but he will keep his promise to Eda to never leave her again.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He reaches the venue, somehow makes his way inside and rushes down the stairs, his lips moving of their own accord and calling out her name before he even has eyes on her. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And then he sees her as she turns to him. A vision in white, simple yet elegant and prettier than ever before. It does not even matter to him at that precise moment that she is dressed up as someone else’s bride. It does not matter, he thinks, because he loves her - <em>from</em> and <em>to</em> his core - and he knows she loves him, too. They are it for each other. “<b><em>Eda </em></b><b><em>benim</em></b><b><em>ruh i</em></b><b><em>kizim</em></b><b><em>.</em></b>” Once, during one of the hardest nights of his life, he had admitted that to Engin. He thinks that just very well might have been the truest truth he has ever spoken in all his thirty one years on this Earth.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They meet each other halfway in the center of the room, staring at each other like they are both seeing the other for the first time in a long time. Serkan thinks, perhaps that is exactly what is happening here. He really is seeing Eda for the first time in weeks with the simple and solid belief that she is the love of his life and the one person he would lose it all for. And Eda is seeing, for the first time in weeks, the man she had irrevocably fallen in love with - she can see it in his eyes; he is back, her <em>tatlı  </em>Robot Bolat is back.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He tells her then, how he remembers her, <b><em>him with her</em></b>, and their love. He tells her he loves her, very much. And she just leaps in to hug him. So impulsive and sudden, so <b><em>Eda</em></b>. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They are both laughing and crying tears of happiness, their bodies clinging together, and he is pressing a plethora of soft <em>ozur </em><em>dılerım’s </em>into her neck for having caused her so much pain. But he can also feel that pile of burdens on his shoulders dropping in weight. He can sense the fire once again beginning to course its way through his veins, and the warmth it brings along pulls a deep sigh out of him, his entire body sagging in relief.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And just like that, all is right in his world.  </p><p> <br/> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>A few moments later, when he hears an unfamiliar voice speak some really unwelcome words that bounce off the walls of his brain (<em>real</em>, <em>official marriage),</em> in regards to Eda and another man, Serkan once again feels the beginnings of the destruction of the world he has just barely gotten back. He feels like he is sweeping all the dust from the ruins of his world, trying to collect it all so he can build it up again, but somehow the winds won’t work with him. He wants to cry because he thinks he is losing again – it is the fourth freaking time! – but before he can, he remembers his decision to not let fate torpedo his life anymore.</p><p>He is Serkan Bolat and when Serkan Bolat takes part in a game, he makes sure he wins it. This time, the only chant reverberating resoundingly in his head is <b><em>birakmiyacağim </em></b><b><em>birakmiyacağim </em></b><b><em>birakmiyacağim</em></b>, and he knows this time won’t be like the others.</p><p>He won’t let it be. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading whatever that was, lol. I would love some concrit! Please leave a comment so I can know what you thought about this effort of mine. You can also drop in a comment in my ask box on tumblr, or just come say hi and talk! I go by @moodypetrichorlove there as well! </p><p>Once again, thanks for reading! </p><p>Turkish words / Translation:<br/>anne / mother<br/>Abim / My brother<br/>peri kızı / fairy girl<br/>yıldız / star<br/>olamaz / can't be<br/>Eda benim ruh ikizim. / Eda is my soulmate.<br/>tatlı / sweet<br/>ozur dılerım / sorry<br/>birakmiyacağim / won't leave/let go</p></blockquote></div></div>
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